Can dating apps be the answer to finding intimacy and love again as a middle aged woman?? With hormonal changes, stress of raising kids and the end of long relationships, is it possible to start over?
Recently I interviewed my friend, and she opened up to me about how hard it is going back to the dating world again. She was having problems in her marriage when her husband got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. This was not the news she wanted to hear just days after they agreed on a separation. After years of couples therapy and “working on it,” the time apart was finally going to ease the tension in the house. She was looking forward to this chance to re-find herself and be happy again. But figuring out the new living situation came to a crashing halt as this news of terminal cancer crushed the family. The pandemic of 2020 didn’t only take away her freedom but everything she ever knew.
As women, right smack in the middle of life, we are faced with decisions to make and challenges we never faced before.
Danielle is a 48 year old single mom of three beautiful kids. Losing her husband of 19 years sent her into what she called “autopilot.” She began to spend more grueling hours at work running her brother’s business. She made sure she was at every event for her children, moved her family, along with her 80 year old Dad, into a new house, and took on the role of both parents to her kids. There was no time for grief or maybe that was intentional. So it wouldn’t surprise you that she jumped into a relationship right away with her co-worker. Adding more to her plate created the diversion and boy did he seem like the perfect distraction. He said and did everything right. He also just had a loss in his family so maybe that’s why they connected even more.
Can we confuse connection with love?
Great sex, games and lies can hide the truth.
Within months he moved in and quickly took on the dad role. He kept them occupied with all the things that teenage kids love to do like fishing, learning to drive and playing sports. Danielle now sees that she played a part in encouraging this, as to keep her kids busy too. Maybe to ease the suffering. But as you can guess, this perfect man wasn’t so perfect. The lies of his past started to unfold and his obsession with Danielle grew stronger. Before she knew it, he had her doubting the life she was living and the family and friends that she loved so much. His strong hand of manipulation had a hard grasp on her, leaving her with regret. It took many attempts, and many fails, but eventually she made it clear that this relationship wasn’t for her. When it ended she was able to focus on losing Andrew. And the kids would finally mourn their dad.
There’s no stopping a woman when they find their strength and reclaim their life.
Danielle discovered that it’s perfectly fine to be alone. She says, “You don’t need anyone in your life to make you feel worthy. It’s okay to sit home on your couch and drink a glass of wine by yourself and watch a movie.”
Dating Apps can be intimidating, but having an open mind is key. Putting yourself out there is the best way to know what you “don’t” want. You get to choose who you want to spend your time with.
Now that she’s back in the dating scene, she has a little more discernment. “I was love bombed and I will now second guess every man I meet.” Danielle explains how dating apps can be very misleading. Sexting, nudes and random hook-ups are easily accessible. People are looking for all kinds of sexual encounters and are not afraid to request living out some kinky fantasies. So Danielle had a lot of sorting to do to stay away from any drama or unwanted interactions. The first guy she met on Match felt like an interview. He liked to “chit chat” and ask questions. Danielle feels that if you’re serious about looking for a relationship, save those questions for the date. “People fall in love with these imaginary profiles and likes. I don’t want to know what you’re doing for dinner or what your pet peeves are, let’s meet up in person and see if there is a real connection.” Needless to say he didn’t show up. The second guy she “liked” took her on a date and they spent a lot of time talking on the phone. Then after his “shoulder surgery” they made plans to see each other but she never heard from him again. Seems to be a trend on these apps. After a few dates with a new guy with a British accent, she decided to hide her profile so that she can fully concentrate on one person at a time. For months they dated and had a lot of fun. And just when she let her guard down, trusted the things he told her and decided to give him a real try to fall in love again, she found out that he went back with ex-girlfriend. “Can I ever find anyone genuine?’ she says as she changes her profile back to public.
Finding the right relationships can be challenging. It takes compromise and communication. As we approach this age we start to know more of what we want and who we want to grow old with.
As she sat before me explaining her story, for the first time I saw a different emotion in her eyes. She reveals, “If I had just had that time to figure things out, I think Andrew and I would still be together. The issues weren’t as bad as I thought and deep down we would have figured out that it was worth it to stick around.’ Her kids are going to college and getting older now. These are the moments she wishes she could share with Andrew. Danielle looked at me and said, “I thought I was wanting something else but seeing what’s out there, I realize now, I had everything I had ever wanted with Andrew.”
Recovery after loss comes in stages but finding love again is possible!
Danielle reflects on his approaching four year anniversary. “There’s no turning back now. In the end I have three kids, I am one parent. So I have to put in the work to take care of myself, my health, be financially stable, and sometimes make sacrifices to get exactly what I want for me and my family.” Declaring this, as she looked down at her phone at the incoming call from the new guy she’s dating.