One very common myth is that there is a lack of sexual desire among women. You know the whole I-am-too-tired, I-have-a-headache narrative that gets thrown around? It is time we change the tune of that narrative. Understanding female pleasure shouldn’t be that hard and its time we start talking more openly about female sexual needs. When sex is engaging, stimulating and pressure-free, women enjoy sex just as much as men. So what exactly is it that turns women on? Glad you asked, friends, because I reached out to the top sexperts and they are spilling the (sexual) tea. If you have been wondering how to improve your sex life, here are 7 things women really want in bed:
A Personalized Approach
When it comes to sexual pleasure, one size does not fit all. Carol Queen, Good Vibes Sexologist and Curator of the Vibrator Museum, says “women may eroticize and respond physically and/or emotionally to different things.” Some men stick to a sexual routine, treating each woman like a computer with a start-up procedure and that just doesn’t do the trick. Queen adds, “women want partners not to assume they like the exact same touches, timing and sex acts as their last girlfriend.” If you know want you like and dislike, then you are one step closer to having great sex.
Tip: Keep a journal of your fantasies, fears and your favorite sexual experiences.
Good Communication
Communication builds sexual trust and its important for women and men to talk about sex. Queen says, “women want partners to communicate about their desires and things they want to try— not just start doing a thing they haven’t ever discussed. (No, you can’t just ‘slip it in’ anally if you go fast enough.)” Good communication promotes a feeling of security and emotional intimacy. Camden Gray Alchanati, Intimacy Counselor and Wedding Officiant, agrees and points out “women crave emotional intimacy. They want their partner to understand them, listen without judgment, and provide affection beyond just physical pleasure.”
Tip: Adopt a routine of communicating post-sex with your partner. Share what you liked and didn’t like, what made you uncomfortable, and what you would like to try next time.
Patience is a Virtue
Foreplay is a delicate art form that balances patience and desire and it is one of the most pleasurable parts of sex for women. Alchanati says that “uninterrupted foreplay,” helps women to feel adored and suggests “kissing, sensual massage, connecting eye-gaze,” as great foreplay practices. Intentional and intimate foreplay helps women to be fully present in the sexual experience. Steffo Shambo, relationship expert at TantricAcademy, adds “every woman wants to be teased until she is begging for more.” But how, exactly does one get to that point? Shambo says, “being teased means prolonging foreplay and delaying orgasm through activities like kissing, caressing, dirty talk. This builds anticipation and sexual tension.”
Tip: Use music as a timer to prolong penetration. Pick a song (or two) and simply enjoy foreplay until the song ends. Make it a game and have fun with it.
A Hollistic Experience
The five senses and sexual pleasure go together like peanut butter and jelly. Engage all five senses and you are sure to elevate your sexual experience. Sex, however, is not just about the body. It can and should engage and stimulate the mind as well. Women are highly aroused by what Shambo calls, “mind sex,” which “enriches physical sex by building trust, intimacy, and arousal.” This can be as easy as focusing on “meaningful eye contact, emotional vulnerability and engaging conversation.” 
Tip: Try using a Sex Journal for couples like this one. It’s a great way to engage the mind, communicate and keep things sexy outside of the bedroom.
An Element of Surprise
Sexual spontaneity is a powerful tool for couples to utilize in and out of the bedroom. Alchanati says, “variety and spontaneity keep desire alive.” Whether it’s a flirtatious new game, flowers or an unexpected weekend trip, the element of surprise will keep those butterflies alive and that translates into intimacy and connection.
Tip: Create a sexual bucket list with your partner. You never know when opportunity will strike!
A Grand Finale
When it comes to sex, women want to have an orgasm. This means that women really want a partner who knows where the clitoris is. Easy, right? Well— not so much. Queen says, “many men really do not appear to know [where it is] or [they] are unclear about how/when to stimulate it.” The clitoris is, according to Queen, “the most significant sexual/erotic zone and the source of most orgasms” for most women. “It is comparable to the head of the penis.” If this pleasure source is ignored, it is often a massive source of displeasure for women. It often leads a woman to the (GASP!) detrimental habit of faking an orgasm. When she knows she isn’t going to have one and doesn’t want to hurt her partner’s feelings, a woman will, indeed, fake it. This can be a slippery slope for couples as they set the standard to avoid communication and ultimately block their own intimacy.
Tip: You just may have to have a 1-1 anatomy lesson with your partner, friends. If it’s too uncomfortable, well then enlist the help of the internet. Yes, there are websites and tutorials available for this very purpose.
Extra Innings
The grand finale has come (pun intended) and gone, but the game isn’t finished. All women want, need and crave emotional attention after sex. Women feel a strong sense of emotional connection after sex and want to relish in that with their partner. Shambo explains that aftercare “reinforces emotional intimacy and the bond between partners.”
Tip: Talk about aftercare before you have sex and create an after-sex routine. Share your preferences (cuddling, spending the night sleeping together, taking a shower) with your partner and prioritize after-sex intimacy and connection.
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